just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Found the puke drawer
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
