I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
