hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
