Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
