When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
