how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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