The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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