you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I love having hate sex.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
