Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
