can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
