Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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