By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize
