I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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