My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
