Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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