I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
