I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
