we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Two words: blizzard sex
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
