"it" just moved
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
sarcasm needs its own font
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
