R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She bit a glass in half.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
