We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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