I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
