fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
