just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
