I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
do nipples grow back?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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