you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
