John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
