Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
