I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
