Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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