all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
