By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
