i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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