I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
