Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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