i permit you to call me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
