Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
