I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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