im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
