just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
