He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
