my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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