haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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