just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
