Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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