but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
