Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
