i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
