I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
