I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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