That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
