every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
